The Legend of Shrek and Friends
by Adamoudjit
Summary: Follow Shrek and his friends in this wonky useless waste-of-time story!
1. Chapter 1

The Legend of Shrek

By Adam aka Daddy

There was once a big beautiful green ogre who lived in the most blessed swamp there ever was. It was not uncommon for this ogre to yell "What are you doing in my swamp!" at the top of his lungs when someone uninvitedly entered his premises. The ogre's name was Shrek. For many mortals, Shrek was seen as god, thus the Holy Church of Shrek was created around 2000 BC. The bible mistakenly names this savior, Jesus, although their real name was Shrek.

One day, Lord Shrek was just hanging out in his swamp, doing whatever ogres do in their spare time, when a bunch of college guys entered his swamp. Their names were Miguel, Liam, Adam, Grant, Connor and Andrew. Shrek could sense their loyalty to him and immediately jumped out of his glorious swamp and bellowed, "WELCOME TO MY SWAMP!" Adam and Miguel, who were devote followers of Shrek and often worshiped him, presented Shrek with two big ripe onions. Shrek was so happy that he gave both of them big meaty hugs. Shrek looked at the rest of the guys and demanded a tithing to his majesty and lord. Connor handed over a Ting Tao beer, Liam gave his headphones, Grant offered his switch with Shrek super smash, and Andrew offered his vape. Shrek was so pleased to receive such meaningful gifts. Liam looked at Adam and remarked, "You think I'm getting those back?" Adam replied, "I am not sure but since they are still connected to your phone, go ahead and play All Star by Smash Mouth." Liam did just this and the moment the tune started to play, Shrek's big luminous ogre eyes lit up with joy. He started singing in his loud ogre voice. The singing of All Star was so beautiful that all of the boys cried with joy and sang along. Shrek then pointed to the sky and picked up everyone. He yelled "LETS GO TO THE MOON!" His ogre boosters ignited like Apollo 11 and he took off at mach 8. Once they reached the moon, Shrek put the boys down. "How can we breathe here?" Connor asked with a puzzled look on his face. "I granted you with special ogre powers! You can breathe anywhere, even under water!" Shrek replied cheerily. Adam and Miguel were unrolling a giant picture of Mao that they brought with them. "There we go! That looks good!" Yelled Miguel while doing a twirl. "It is so beautiful! Our other lord and savior, MAOO!" Adam yelled. Shrek was also a huge fan of Mao, in fact during the cultural revolution, Shrek served as a key component to the economic stability as he supplied thousands of onions to the poor villagers during times of famine. Andrew was sitting on a moon rock, vaping his vape like a vape lord, when Shrek offered swamp juice flavor. Andrew tried the swamp juice flavor and to his surprise, loved it. He told Shrek, "Wow, this is amazing! What is in this?" Shrek replied, "ONION JUICE AND SWAMP WATER OF COURSE!" Andrew did a dab in satisfaction.

Connor asked Shrek if he could nuke North Korea. "OF COURSE, WE CAN!" Shrek replied as he pulled a large shiny B83 from who knows where and threw it down to Earth, at North Korea. "Jesus Christ!" Adam said. "You just wiped a country off the face of the Earth!" Connor said and then laughed.

That's it for Chapter one readers, okay? So if you wanna hear more about Shrek's adventures with the dudes, lemme know. Remember to worship Lord Shrek 5 times a day and place an onion under your bed when you sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

The Legend of Shrek and Friends Chapter 2

We left off with our brave and enlightened lads, on the moon, for whatever reason. Anyways Shrek brought the buckaroos back to planet Earth, specifically to North Korea.

I know North Korea was supposedly nuked, but since Connor actually worships Kim Jong Un, we decided to resurrect the country.

Shrek, Adam, Liam, Connor, Grant, Miguel and Andrew entered the royal palace. As soon as they stepped foot in, Connor began singing the North Korean anthem. Adam pulled out his violin and started playing along. Liam accompanied with a large and beautiful opera voice, and Shrek harmonized with him. The sounds echoed through the halls and corridors of the royal palace. As soon as they finished, they heard a clapping coming from down the hall. Dressed in royalty and trotting a lot with huge amounts of swag, Emperor Kim Jong Un came into view. He was clapping as he walked towards the bois, with a huge grin on his face. It was the same grin he gave when their Hwasong-15 Nuclear Warhead-capable ICBM launch was deemed a success. He walked up to them and stated in very good English, "Welcome to Pyongyang!" Shrek was very excited and replied in a big ogre voice, "OHH DO YOU HAVE A SWAMP NEARBY?" Emperor Kim Jong Un smiled and told his guards to assist lord Shrek to the nearest swamp. A pair of royal officers escorted Shrek to Kim Jong Un's private swamp. The bois waved a goodbye to Shrek. Shrek replied in the most Irish accent you've ever imagined possible, "I'll just be a bit, okey?"

Connor was the most excited to be in the presence of his lord and savior, Emperor Kim Jong Un. He asked Kim Jong Un, in the same way Squidward asked the magic conch shell, if he could have something to eat. Kim replied, "Of course!" and waved over his guards to bring over the royal rations. "I thought North Korea didn't have food." Adam remarked sarcastically. "I think that's all they have in this entire country." Andrew replied, still hitting his vape like a vape god. The guards presented two granola bars to Connor. "Is this all the food in the entire country right here?" Connor asked Kim. "Yep, but we are getting in 5 more tomorrow so don't worry!" Kim replied jolly as santa. "Jesus Christ!" Adam said. All of a sudden, the roof exploded open and in flew Shrek, carrying onions. "I HEARD YOU HAD A BIT OF A FOOD SHORTAGE!" He yelled in his sexy ogre voice. He placed the onions in Kim's arms, and Kim was so happy that he started yodeling.

"What are we doing here anyways, I am bored." Liam stated, unenthusiastically. Grant seconded. Shrek asked the lads, "OHH HELLO THERE! WHERE DO YA FELLOWS WANNA GO NOW?"

To find out where the bois are gonna go, stay tuned to The Legend of Shrek and Friends!


	3. Chapter 3

The Legend of Shrek and Friends Chapter 3

Reader, I applaud you for reading this far. It truly amazes me that my wonky little story was able to keep your attention this long. You clearly have a sophisticated and elaborate sense of humor that has kept your attention afloat throughout this bizarre adventure.

Anyways, we left off with Liam stating that he was bored of being in North Korea because there is literally nothing to do in North Korea. North Korea has nothing, so no surprise there. Shrek asked the fine bois where they wanted to go next. "OHH WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO NEXT!?" Shrek stated in a big inspiring voice. "Let's go to China!" Yelled Miguel. "MAOOOOOOO!" Connor and Adam shouted. "I'm down with whatever." Said Andrew STILL VAPING HIS VAPE LIKE A VAPE GOD. "I still have yet to see my headphones." Liam remarked. "lol oh yeah." Adam replied. "OKAY! LET'S GO TO CHINA!" Shrek yelled in his bold confident ogre voice. He picked up all of the boys at once in his strong reassuring ogre arms and rocketed into the air at Mach 87,000. Shrek's onion aura protected the boys at this high speed, so don't lose sleep over it, they are fine.

As they were approaching China, Shrek realized that the boys would not survive the impact as they were not blessed onion-absorption powers. "OHH NO I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU GUYS MY POWERS!" Shrek yelled as they were hurling at Mach 4 towards some remote location of China. "Aim for a swamp!" Yelled Grant. "GOOD IDEA!" Shrek replied as his big ogre eyes lit up in realization. Shrek aimed for a nearby swamp that probably contained radioactive waste, but no matter! Falling out of the sky, the lads gently splashed down into the swamp and Shrek felt right at home, just like a southern gentleman in a cracker barrel. Once they climbed out of the swamp, they were glowing from head to toe. "What in god's name is this?" Adam said in surprise. "OHH YOU HAVE BEEN BAPTIZED BY HOLY CHINESE SWAMP WATER!" Shrek replied with the biggest ogre smile you've seen yet. "What does this do, exactly?" Connor said, with a concerned look on his face. "WELL ISNT THAT A GOOD QUESITON!" Shrek said in such a strong Irish accent that by golly, you can pour yourself a Guinness.

Miguel was an expert when it came to anything relating to China and instantly recognized the terrain. "We are close to Beijing, I think we could walk there in 1 hour." Said Miguel. "Let's get a move on then!" Grant said. "I'm down." Andrew said. "Of course, you are." Said Liam, sardonically. Andrew shrugged and hit his vape. Typical.

When they finally arrived in Beijing, there were American propaganda posters all around them. "This is weird, almost like we are living in 1950's China." Connor said. "OHH THAT'S BECAUSE WE ARE, GOOD OL PAL!" Shrek said whilst doing a jolly old dance. "What?" All the boys said? "Explain yourself." Said Liam. "OH SURE. I THINK WE BROKE THE SPACE TIME CONTINNUM! WE TOOK OFF SO FAST THAT WE RIPPED A HOLE IN REALITY AND TRAVELED BACK IN TIME!" "Oh my god, that means Mao is Chairman!" Connor said, with a bulbous big smile on his face. What does that word even mean? "MAOOOOOOOO!" Adam and Miguel yelled while doing a communist style dab. "I hope we don't get shot." Said Liam. "Nah, we got Shrek on our side. He is basically god." Said Adam. "Well, let's go visit our other leader!" Miguel said, eating a cheese stick.

Alright, so the boys ripped the very fabric of the space-time fibers of our reality, great job. To find out what happen next, literally do nothing because whenever I get free time at work, I will write chapter 4 and nothing you do or say will affect that.


End file.
